It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
