I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
