I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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