Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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