bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
