Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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