Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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