Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
