I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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