Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
