so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
