Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Two words: nipple clamps
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