so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
