don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
