Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
