i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
