the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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