it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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