I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
