There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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