I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
