I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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