Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
