bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We don't watch enough power rangers
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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