Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
