No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
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who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
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Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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