i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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