morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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