I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
