I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
