So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
