My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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