My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
