I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
