can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Enjoy the penises
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
