I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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