So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
