Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
