She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
