Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
