cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I touched a dick in church today
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
