thus making me awesome and them whores
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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