he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
