Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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