that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
