Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
