Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
