If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
