Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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