Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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