the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
