Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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