Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
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Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
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Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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