drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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