It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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