Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
