i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
