We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
