did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
