If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
