I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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