Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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