So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
